


Primary Colour

by Temora



Series: On Becoming Santana Lopez [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-21
Updated: 2012-05-21
Packaged: 2017-11-05 18:34:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/409646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Temora/pseuds/Temora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I have so many feelings about the future. Like, will Santana be there the whole time, because if not I don't want to go."</p>
<p>This story is part of a chronological series, but each can be read as a standalone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Primary Colour

There are a lot of things that make me have feelings. Like, my brain and my heart and my chest are just stuffed full of all these feelings and it's overwhelming. There are so many feelings I can't keep track of them all, and the _Embrace the Rainbow: So, You're A Teen Bisexual?_ pamphlet Miss Pillsbury gave me says I should write stuff down, so.

Sometimes I want to, like, peel my skin off. Just jump right out of my body and run around in my skeleton. I think it'd be easier than living in here with all these feelings sometimes. I have feelings about everything.

Video games, because they're always about shooting people in the face, which I don't get why that's fun, ever. Santana says they're just pixel people and they don't feel it, which makes me smile because, duh, I already know that, but I love that she tries to make me feel better.

I have feelings about Lord Tubbington anyway, but extra because Santana says he chats to her about me all the time, but only when I'm not in the room. I know she's making that up, because it's like, cats can't talk, so. I like to pretend sometimes, but I'm not stupid. It's another thing she does just to make me happy, and she knows that I know, too. Other people think I don't notice stuff like that, but Santana knows.

Winter. Because it's cold and stuff, and everything sort of hides away, which I don't like. But Santana said it's only because it's resting to come back more beautiful in spring, and she's right every year. I think Santana gets more beautiful every spring too, but when I told her that she made that face where she doesn't think she can believe me, so I had feelings about that, too, because it's like Santana only believes beautiful things if she's saying them to me instead of me saying them to her. And she says them to me all the time, even the ones other people don't know are beautiful, like, "Here's your class schedule, Britt", and "I made you that fruit smoothie you like."

School, because it's different now that Santana and I are girlfriends and everyone knows about it. Sometimes I look at her in class and I remember how it felt before, when I had to look away after a while, because otherwise maybe Santana would figure out that sweet ladykisses were something I wished I could have all the time and even though she did too, she didn't know that yet. Now I don't have to look away, I can just spend all of history looking and looking and never getting tired of it, and I see Quinn smile at me and Santana roll her eyes but then she'll lace her fingers in mine so I know it's okay to look. Looking is just talking without saying anything out loud. So I look lots of love at Santana every day and she looks it back and now we can do that right in school without hiding it. That feeling almost makes me burst and that's just one feeling by itself.

At the beginning, Santana was worried so much about school and what people would think, and I kind of understand why, although people pretty much knew I was bilingual the whole time and nobody ever bothered me. But it's different for me because I didn't have to be strong all the time like Santana and even though nobody ever told her that being in love with someone made you look weak, that's what she thought. But it's like, I'm the class president and she's the head cheerleader, which if you ask me pretty much means we're like the power couple of the whole school. I will always use the power for good, but Santana won't, and I love that about her. Plus people are totally still scared of her, so there have only been a few times when they talk and look. Anyway, she worried so much that it made her sick and kind of ashamed, but I always understood that it wasn't me she was ashamed of, it was people thinking she was weak because everyone could see she loved me. But she's better now, and she said to me that now she gets it and all she needs is me to keep loving her, which, like, I could never stop doing anyway, so.

Singing makes me feel feelings. I know I'm not as good at it as the rest of the kids in Glee, but I do okay I think. Santana says I'm the harmony and that it's just as important as the solo because without the harmony the solo would be, like, naked. And really only Santana should have naked solos because she's so, so good. (Santana didn't tell me that last bit, it's just what I think.) Maybe Rachel too, though. Rachel sounds like The Little Mermaid, which is hard for me because I love Disney, and I don't always like Rachel, even though I do love her because we're a family in Glee.

But Rachel can be annoying with the me-me-me stuff, and sometimes I imagine what she'd look like if she was half a fish or a flamingo or something, and once I drew it. I showed it to Santana and she laughed until she cried and then she put the picture up in her locker and she kissed me in the hallway in front of everyone and put her hands on my cheeks and rested her forehead on mine and said _where did you come from, babe_ really quiet-like. I had feelings then.

And guess what. Santana loves the Glee kids too, even though she _so_ doesn't want to. There's a picture in her bedroom of us at a party after we won Regionals last year. I'm hugging her and she's hugging me and we're surrounded by our friends and they're all laughing and Kurt has his head on Santana's shoulder. She could have cut just us out, but she left it the way it was. She once double-punched Azimio right in the junk because he was about to slushie Tina. And Tina didn't even realise she did it and Santana never told her. I think it's cute, and I'm not even jealous even though she used to only love me and sometimes Quinn. Because it's only that she didn't know she had extra love stuffed way all down inside, so she kept it back from everyone else until now. The really sweet part is that she still doesn't know it out loud, it's just kind of ... happening ... all the time, every day, and I see her get happier and happier and lighter, like she was holding her breath forever and someone just told her she could stop. Really, she _is_ the someone, but I know she thinks it's me.

Mostly I feel feelings when Santana sings, because ... because Santana. I don't have any other right words for when she sings. Just because Santana.

Dancing, because it's something I am really good at and nobody ever, ever says, 'You're so stupid, Brittany,' or' 'What have you done now, Brittany?' or 'This isn't your house, Brittany.' They just say, like, 'Wow' and 'Sweet' and stuff, which is heaps better. Dancing is the thing just under Santana on my list of all-time favourite things and just above fruit smoothies. I like it when Santana dances with me, but she says it's better when she watches me. She comes to all my dance recitals and she's coming with me when I audition for NYU as well. She's helped me keep my grade point average up enough so that hopefully I can get in and she can get in for singing and we can live in our own place and I'll dance there all the time for her. I don't know yet, but I bet I'll have lots of feelings about that.

I have so many feelings about the future. Like, will Santana be there the whole time, because if not I don't want to go. And if I think about it without Santana in it there's like this big black hole that I can't see past and I feel sick. But if she's there, then I can see a whole world around us and it's full of awesomeness.

And you know what? I have all these feelings about so many things, but now that I've written them down I know that they're really all the same.

Santana. She's like … she is like … my painting set that she gave me when we were eleven. She sat in my bedroom and painted a picture of me and taught me about primary colours. And now I can feel how it was like she was already colouring in everything in my heart.

She's my primary colour. And all the others as well.

She's like blue when she's sad, and red when she's hurt, and pink and orange when she's happy, and grey sometimes when she doesn't like herself, and purple when she's sleepy, and green when she worries about things, and this beautiful electric sunflower yellow when she loves me and even brighter when she lets me love her and she makes me full of colours as well.

Santana _is_ my feelings. All of them, and everything in between them, and around them and through.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written during Season 3, before we knew Brittany wasn't graduating. Ah, well. Ce la vie.


End file.
